


Captain Paprika's Lonely Hearts Spade Band

by FailureArtist



Series: Hot Mess [4]
Category: Homestuck
Genre: Bad Sex, Drugs, Loneliness, M/M, Oral Sex
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2011-09-02
Updated: 2011-10-04
Packaged: 2017-10-23 08:54:08
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 3,164
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/248495
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/FailureArtist/pseuds/FailureArtist
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>What happened between Eridan and Gamzee in "My Motherfucking Best Friend".</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

Eridan touchdowned on the beach in front of Gamzee's hive. He dismounted his trusted steed and lusus, gave him a comforting pat, and put him in his steed deck. He needed a comforting pat himself right now. He was nervous. Though Gamzee was an old friend, he had never been to his hive before. It didn't look as crazy as he had expected. Perhaps the clown did have some restraint, he thought.

He strode purposefully towards the front door and made his presence known with a series of strong clear knocks. There was no reply. Eridan's resolve faltered. Was Gamzee even in? he wondered. There was light in the window, so he should have been in. Eridan needed shelter. It was the light season and the sun was more dangerous than normal. He couldn't camp out here. Where was that fool? Was he really going to let him dry out like a beached whale?

Eridan was close to totally flipping out when the door opened. The drama queen had a lecture prepared for his so-called friend when he saw his so-called friend was wearing a tiny black silk robe. Eridan bit his lips. Was it really true that anyone who stepped through his doorway was treated to a day of unimaginable erotic delights? Eridan couldn't quite believe it was true. Dopey old Gamzee Makara, obsessing over clowns, honking about and falling off comical vehicles, wearing baggy pants and unflattering makeup. He really didn't strike Eridan as being a sensual creature. Yet here he was, dressed in a short robe that showed off his surprisingly nice games. His face was clear of that stupid heavy paint, and he didn't look half bad, though his chin wasn't as STRONG as Eridan's was.

Gamzee spoke up. "Hey, my motherfucking best friend, what's up?"

Eridan once again doubted Gamzee's skills as a concupiscent lover. "Motherfucking" wasn't a very romantic word.

"I w-was in the neighborhood so I decided to wisit," he lied.

"And this is the place to visit, bro, so come on in."

Gamzee stepped aside. Eridan took a small step in, and then walked completely in. His host shut the door behind him. The guest looked around. There was not as much religious paraphernalia as he had expected. That was a good thing in his eyes. He found the indigoblood's sect distasteful.

He wondered if there were any other guests. Was the other guest or guests male? Were they female? If they were girls, were they making out right now in this hive? Eridan consciously stopped his heavy breathing.

"Is there anyone else here?" he asked.

"Naw, it's just me and...what's your name again?"

The seatroll puffed up his chest. "Eridan Ampora, prince of the sea, belo-wed moirail of the Heir Apparent." He then sunk down. "You really don't remember my name?"

"I can barely remember my own most days," he replied, "You're that wizard troll, aren't you?"

"Magic is fake," Eridan sniffed, "But I'm flattered that I cut such an august figure."

He really wasn't that disappointed Gamzee didn't remember his name. Gamzee was a friend of a friend of a friend. Eridan had first met Vriska, then Kanaya, then Karkat, and final Karkat's friend Gamzee. The aquatic chauvinist had high hopes for the descendant of the dread Subjuggulators, but the indigoblood had disappointed him. Eridan hoped he wouldn't disappoint him again.

"Soooo," he said, "how-w are thins goin'?"

"Things are as chill as they can be, you know," Gamzee replied.

"Hey, I saw-w your lusus the other night."

The laid-back troll perked up. "The Old Goat? Where, man, where?"

"He...he w-was forty knots southw-west from here. I spotted him three nights ago." Eridan added, "That's w-why I came here, to tell ya about it, to be a friend to you."

"Oh. That's a long way from here and so long ago, he must be at the southwestern continent by now."

"I doubt he's mowin' south in this w-weather."

"True dat, it's really hot outside."

"Yes, hot."

Eridan couldn't stop looking at Gamzee's big feet. They couldn't match Feferi's graceful flippers, but they were still pretty wicked. Oh, how he missed Fef!

"Sooooooooo, you expectin' anyone?"

"Not this dawn, my motherfucking best friend."

Eridan played with his rings. "I thought, perhaps, I could stay here the day. You see, I'm goin' through some tough times, currents-ly, my relationship w-with Fef is flounderin', you know-w her, she's the future empress an all you fuckin' peasants, no offense, and I just need to be w-with somebody."

His host stepped forward and put his hand on his guest's shoulder. "I understand what you're coming for, bro."

"You...you do?"

"You want to pail with this motherfucker."

He stepped back and let his robe drop. Eridan immediately pitched a tent. It wasn't so much the sight of Gamzee's naked body that set him off as the idea of someone finally saying yes to him. Here he was, six sweeps old, almost seven sweeps, and he was going to lose his red virginity. Well, to be fair, he wasn't sure he lost his black virginity. He had gotten farther with Vriska than most wrigglers did with their first hate, but it wasn't that far. There had been some sloppy makeouts, some "accidental" gropes, and one time she ordered him to finger her but she couldn't finish and they just gave up. Eridan was sure he was going to lose some sort of virginity today.

Gamzee moved back towards him and Eridan expected a kiss (he wasn't sure he wanted one from him) but was oddly relieved when his friend just kneeled down in front of him. He rubbed and kneaded the erection though the two layers of cloth. Eridan looked down at him but his partner didn't look up. He was entirely focused on that crotch. Eridan combed his hands through that wild black-haired head and pushed it against the fly of his trousers. Gamzee didn't mind. He just started licking the damp spot on Eridan's crotch. If this kept up his trousers would get stained with something else, Eridan thought. He pushed Gamzee away.

"W-where is your c-concupiscent c-conch, I mean, couch?" he stuttered out.

Gamzee stood up and walked over to the winding stairs. Eridan followed him until they reached a small room with the appropriate couch. Gamzee laid down with his bottom over the pail hole. He propped himself up with his elbows and looked at Eridan with half-lidded eyes.

Eridan's hands flew to the top button of his jacket and faster than you could say "100% cocoon fabric" it was off. Unfortunately, under his jacket he wore a corset. It wasn't a fetish thing; he just wore it to mantain a proper military bearing. His partner didn't care so he just quickly untied it and let his blubber flop out. He had gained a little weight after he quit FLARPing.

He was about to take off his turtleneck when he remembered another problem: his malformed neck gills. They were fused shut. He had read that this problem was the result of too much land-dweller blood in the incestuous slurry. For many sweeps he blamed the land-dwellers for his deformity, but after confessing this to his patron she cooled his genocidal rage. It was still incredibly embrassing.

Instead he unzipped his ankle boots and his trousers and stripped it all off, including his glasses. He ran over and straddled Gamzee. The laid-back troll looked up at him and started licking his face fins. Eridan decided, gills be damned, he was going to take off his shirt. It was too weird having sex with it on. He'd feel like a fat wriggler. He sat up and pulled it over his head.

"Hey man," Gamzee said, "Your chest is all broadening up and you got some nice side gills."

"Thank you for noticin' that," Eridan beamed.

Gamzee looked down at Eridan's painfully hard bone bulge.

"Whooooa that thing's so big I don't know how it'll fit in my nook."

Actually, Gamzee's bone bulge was bigger than Eridan's and it wasn't even really hard yet. Eridan didn't care. His head was too swollen.

Gamzee grabbed Eridan's hand and guided it to his seedflap.

"Yeah, man, feel that nook," he mumbled, "Feel how wet it is, I'm so wet for you it's like the fucking ocean down here."

Eridan talked back, "Oh yeah, take my royal rings, take them, feel it scratch your walls, don't it feel good, don't you like it??"

Gamzee did like it. His bone bulge got a little more hard. He closed his eyes and laid back. Eridan removed his fingers and counted his rings. His partner looked up and frowned a little.

The seatroll yelled, "Time for the fuckin' harpoon!"

He positioned himself and in one overeager motion he thrust into his partner. Gamzee was experienced enough to take this roughness in stride. He kept up the dirty talk.

"Yeah, man, it's so good, man, you're so big and hard and shit, it's like a miracle."

Eridan shot back, "Yeah, take it, take it all, all of it!"

After a few more erratic pumps Eridan gasped and slowed down to a steady pace. Gamzee sighed contently and muttered some "motherfuckers" into the virgin's ear. Eridan kissed him and he in turn thrust himself up. The lovesick troll pulled away. His eyes filled with lavender tears and he started glubbing.

"Oh Fef," he cried, "Oh Fef, oh Fef, oh cod this is ewery thin' I could hawe w-wished for."

Gamzee's body went limp. His bone bulge, squashed between the two bodies, went flaccid. He turned his head away. Eridan continued. He kissed the turned cheek repeatedly and then threaded his hands through that long black hair.

"Oh Fef my princess," he cried, "You have such beautiful hair, and your horns are so elegant, oh cod you're so fuckin' graceful and elegant."

Eridan continued to babble on about his unrequited love. Gamzee groaned a little but he didn't reply. He just laid there. After almost three minutes Eridan slow strokes again grew rapid.

"Glub glub glub oh Fef w-why aren't you...urghhh gluuuuub..."

Before he could pull out all the way and aim for the pail he ejaculated into his partner. Tired, he laid on top of him with his bone bulge still in the nook. Neither said anything. Gamzee seemed to perk up. He wrapped his arms around his partner and snuggled up against him. He was happy.

After five minutes or so, Eridan sat up. He looked at Gamzee's soft bone bulge.

"Hey, did you pail?" he asked.

"It's fine, bro, I just like being with you."

"No it's not fin! It doesn't count if you don't pail too!"

He grabbed it and roughly started pumping it.

"Come on, I w-want you to get off, I'm not the bad guy here," he muttered.

The bone bulge slowly curved out of its sheath. Eridan laid down between Gamzee's thighs and then pumped it slower.

"I'm gonna sw-wallow-w this w-whole thin', just you w-watch," he said, "Seatroll's got no gag reflex."

He grabbed Gamzee's hip bones and impaled his head on the crotch. His eyes went wide and watery. He pulled his head up and vomited making Gamzee honk in disgust.

"Hey what the fuck are you doing?" he yelled as he grabbed Eridan's head.

"Oh my gl-god I'm s-so s-sorry," he stuttered.

Gamzee fell back down on the couch.

"Naw it doesn't like, matter," he said.

Eridan, now not scared, replied, "It's your fault for hawin' such oddly shaped genitals."

He grabbed a towel located convenietly next to the couch and wiped him off. He then went right back to sucking, this time less ambitiously. Though he couldn't let the curved tip get too close to his uvula without gagging, he found he enjoyed it. Why the hell do people complain about this? he thought. They must be total virgins of something. After fifteen minutes he realized why people complained. His jaw hurt like a motherfucker.

"Ughhh," he whined, "w-why hawen't you fuckin' pailed yet?"

"It, it just, yeah, takes a while for me," the stoner replied, "Maybe you could just ride me, for a while, if you want."

"I w-will not 'ride' you, that is beneath me," he said with a bone bulge in his cheek.

He sat up and looked at the stoner's half-lidded eyes.

He added, "The problem is all those drugs you do. It's fuckin' up your boner deliwery system. That's a scientific fact."

He looked down.

"Great, and now-w you're soft again. Stupid goddamn lousy bone bulge."

Eridan shut up and started sucking again, and Gamzee went full-length. To save his poor aching jaw he mostly licked the tip while fingering the nook. Somehow the slut could feel it down there and he really got a kick out of those cold rings. Eridan realized he'd have to soak them later but it was worth it. Vriska had made him so self-conscious about his fingering skills so it was good to see someone appreciated him.

It took another fifteen minutes but finally that stupid not-that-sexy clown was close. Eridan had to admit his bone bulge was rather impressive, even if it was skinny and bent. The seatroll went for the gusto in those last few seconds, bobbing his head up and down and pumping the base. He was rewarded with several small but powerful spurts of genetic material right in his mouth. He moaned louder than the orgasming troll. When the orgasm subsided, he pulled himself up, swirled the last bit of indigo fluid around his mouth before swallowing, and smiled off into the distance.

"W-wow-w," he mumbled, "That w-was w-wicked."

Gamzee didn't say anything, but Eridan kept talkin.

"People are alw-ways sayin', ew-ww that stuff is disgustin' but those people are totally w-wrong." He looked down. "Or maybe it's just your miracle juice. Yeah, miracles, heh heh heh snrk."

"Guess it is a miracle," Gamzee deadpanned.

The guest got off his host and stretched out. His quarter-hard bone bulge flapped between his wet thighs.

"I w-wonder how-w Fef w-would taste? Heh heh she's fuckin' royalty so she must taste amazin'. What do you think, Gam?"

"I don't."

"Yeah, you really shouldn't be thinkin' of royalty that w-way. I mean, Peixes has to taste like her Imperial Condescension, and thinkin' of her is a total boner killer," said Eridan, whose bone wasn't killed.

"Hmmm."

"Maybe it's just rare bloods w-who got that magic elixir under their robes. Like Kan, she's got Mother Grub's blood, so it must be like holy w-water or somethin'.

"I'm not really into Mother Grub."

"I know-w, heathen," Eridan snapped back. He then put his head in his hands. "Oh Mother Grub, I can't be thinkin' of Kan that w-way, she's like a lusus to me. Such deprawity! Such delectable deprawity!"

He lifted his head and walked over to Gamzee. He rubbed the boy's sweaty head.

"Hey, sleepy," he said, "After that long hour I'm ready to go again. W-what w-would you like?"

"Just a big ass pie and some Faygo," he mumbled.

Eridan walked over to his clothes and put on his boxers.

"W-well! Fine then. I guess I exhausted you."

He left the room to go find a big ass pie. The exhausted stoner laid on the couch and honked quietly to himself.


	2. The Long Lost Epilogue

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Wrote this a while ago but was too lazy to retype it.

Eridan angrily sucked a half-empty bottle of Faygo. His host was busy this evening “entertaining” another guest, leaving him to wash down his loneliness with Faygo. Why the hell did the aristocrat love cheap soda so much? It wasn’t like he couldn’t afford something better. The jerk just didn’t have any class. Right after pailing he made his own guest serve him sopor slime until he fell into a stupor.  Eridan wanted to have another go, but he wasn’t willing to mess with Gamzee while he was unconscious. Where was the fun in that? So instead he poured out his woes to his old friend until noon, then used the recupercoon. When he woke up he was hoping he could get Gamzee to lick him clean, but the slut was busy flirting with some fat greenblood. Now the two were in another block and he was left totally alone.

                It was a mistake losing his red virginity to Gamzee Makara. He was never the one Eridan wanted to have his first time with. From the moment he learned about love and sex he’d wanted to be with Feferi Peixes. He had so many fantasies about what their first time would be like. It would have been the most romantic morning ever! But no, he had to give himself to that stupid ill-mannered slut. Gamzee didn’t even really want what he offered. Judging by the sounds he was now making, he preferred what the greenblood offered.

                So what if Gamzee wasn’t really attracted to him. He wasn’t attracted to Gamzee. The boy was skinny, ugly, and weird. The sex was horrible. Eridan hadn’t enjoyed a minute of it! Well, he thought as he licked the rim of the bottle, he had enjoyed that one part. Still, it wasn’t worth the damage to his blood-pumping organ. The whole thing was a complete disaster.

                Eridan wanted to abscond right now, but he wasn’t just going to sneak out. That would be rude. He took the polite route instead.

                                “I’M LEAWIN’ NOW-W!” he yelled as he kicked open the door.

                Gamzee lifted his head off the couch to look at Eridan.

                                “Wait, hhgg, bro, why you have to be, hhgg, leaving?” Gamzee grunted.

                                Eridan snapped back, “Because MY HOST is too BUSY for me.”

                The other guest finally stopped his disgusting humping and rolled off Gamzee. Eridan looked Gamzee in the eye. His lip started to quaver.

                                “I…I enjoyed the moment w-we spent together,” he said, “but I don’t think I can be w-with you.”

                Gamzee looked sad, if a bit confused. The greenblood piped in.

                                “Hey g-guys, why don’t we all have some fun tog-gether?” he said.

                Eridan looked down at what the greenblood offered and then his eyes shot over to Gamzee’s softening bone bulge.

                                “I’m sure our friend won’t mind,” the greenblood added.

                Gamzee did mind. He didn’t really feel good about having sex with Eridan. It hadn’t been that bad, the ninja could suck some mean bone, but it hadn’t really been that good. There had been something off about the whole thing that made him want to crawl into a tin. He had felt better when his salty friend came over, but now he felt uncomfortable again. Maybe he needed more sopor slime.

                                He kissed his partner all over his face and mumbled, “Huh, come on, let’s just get it on and shit.”

                Now distracted again, the greenblood rolled on top of Gamzee and continued what he had been doing before. Eridan gagged loudly and stomped out of the block.

                Gamzee stared at the ceiling and honked softly to himself.


End file.
